my attention span

 

It feels like everything is diverted from the main point. I have a fleeting attention span. and my focus constantly drift away from central points.

When I listen to a song, it catches my ear.But when I try to go through the lyrics and grasp the meaning, another song comes along and completely erases the previous one from my memory, almost as if I never heard it in the first place. Everything feels fleeting-like an evanescence. My brain feels hollow.

The same pattern occurs with serious issues on social media, whether it's about the war in Gaza or the monarchy issue running in my country. As I begin to comprehend the root causes—why something is happening—the news takes a different turn, presenting modified narratives, .

Instead of uncovering the truth, I see accusations, blame, or distractions, moreover diversionary tactics, that shift the focus away from the real issue. Social media doesn’t leave space for logical thinking. Where is that curious mind? Excessive, often irrelevant information, shaping our perceptions in a manipulative way.
-abundance of information, but little real awareness-it scares me.

And now, even with this piece of writing, I feel the same. I struggle to think about any issue seriously, I can’t tell if my thoughts are truly my own. Is my brain even working properly? Is there any organic opinion? Can I even think ? Can I even think something for 5 minutes? Can i describe, can I elaborate, can I express? I don’t know what I’m going to write, what I am writing, or what I have written

Mobile-me-train

THIS TIME, I DECIDED,   I’m not going to look at my phone on the train.  I’d just sit, relax, and observe the beauty around me. A 45-minute journey—just me , my surroundings AND MY OBSERVATION. WOW; MASTERING AN ART OF DITCHING MOBILE

But as soon as the journey began, I realised... I was in an aisle seat. The window was completely blocked. My right to gaze outside and romanticise the scenery? Gone.

So, I told myself to relax my eyes. Okay, let’s try observing inside the train. Let’s just see what’s around.* But suddenly, I didn’t know where to look without appearing strange. It’s like I had forgotten the art of simply looking around without making others feel uncomfortable—or without feeling like I was intruding on someone’s space.

My eyes landed on a woman sitting in front of me, wearing a shiny silver bracelet. It caught my attention. I looked at it for about ten seconds, appreciating its beauty... then noticed her ring—also shining. I was admiring it, but then became self-aware: *What if she notices I’m looking? A wave of panic hit me.

My eyes began darting around rapidly, as if on autopilot, scanning the surroundings in microseconds—floor, seat, handle, person, back to floor. I suddenly felt like I was behaving awkwardly, like someone with involuntary, anxious tics. Do I look mentally unstable? Socially off? I didn’t know.

Each time I tried focusing on one thing, I’d catch someone else’s eyes briefly locking with mine. What is that phenomenon called? That strange moment when you look at someone, and they seem to look back at the exact same time? It’s unsettling.

Eventually, I settled on staring at the floor—for five whole minutes. But even that made me feel like I looked frozen, numb, disconnected from the world. I was overwhelmed. I wanted to get off the train.

I didn’t know where to look. I was mentally exhausted from simply controlling my gaze.When I closed my eyes for relief, I worried that I’d look like I was sleeping or unwell. I just wanted to appear "NORMAL," to observe calmly without making anyone feel watched. I wasn’t noticing any one person in particular—but I still feared I might make others uncomfortable.

I’m trying to relearn how to travel without my phone—like we used to. Even without a window seat, surely there must be a way to just exist, observe, and be at peace.

Eventually, I started looking at people’s shoes. That felt... safe. No one noticed—or at least, that’s what my anxious brain told me. Maybe they weren’t paying attention at all. Maybe this is just my mind playing tricks.

But this 45-minute ride? It felt  REALLY long. Really hard.

Now I don’t know... on the return journey, will I decide to ditch the phone again? I’m honestly not sure

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