Ramri

 म आफैंलाई कहिल्यै राम्री छुं, लागेन, किशोरावस्थामा। हुन्छ नि, त्यो “attitude” म कस्तो राम्री छु, यो केटाले मलाई राम्री भएरै हेरेको हो, यस्तो उसतो…” भनेर सोच्ने उमेर। +2 पढ्दासम्म पनि कहिल्यै “घर जान्छु, खेल्छु” भन्ने मात्र ध्यान, न त केटा–केटी जस्तो, संसार नै , १६ वर्षको जवानीमा पनि।

तर उमेरमा कहिल्यै पनि अनुहारले मेरो आत्मविश्वासमा असर पारेन। साथीहरु पनि त्यस्तै थियो। कहिलेकाहीँ सोच्थें, यदि मेरो कपाल silky straight र brown नभएको भए, आँखा र eyebrow नमिलेको भए, सायद म साँच्चिकै ugly देखिन्थें होला।
म stereotypical कुरा गर्दैछु, 

तर यिनै कुराले गर्दा होला, म ५ मिनेटमै ready हुन्थें। Fashion sense शून्य। Bachelor र Masters पढिसकेँ, तर कहिल्यै “कसैले मलाई judge गर्छ कि” भनेर दिमागमा राखेर हिँडिन। म राम्री छु भनेर assure भएर होइन, मलाई त्यो सोच्ने बानी नै थिएन, मस्त, सरल, जहिले केटाकेटी जस्तै।

तर जब बिहे भयो, अनि जब म विवाहित भएँ र अरू विवाहित महिलाहरू सँग भेट हुन थाल्यो, त्यतिबेला ममा insecurity आउन थाल्यो। यहाँ अष्ट्रेलिया आएपछि, खासगरी विवाहित महिलाहरूको जमघटमा जाँदा “यो किन लगाएनौ, त्यो किन लगाएनौ, यस्तो लगाउ, उस्तो गर” भन्ने कुरा सुन्दा मेरो आत्मविश्वास एकदमै घट्यो।
मलाई कहिल्यै सिन्दूर, पोते, पूरै गहना लगाउन मन लाग्दैनथ्यो। Feminism को कारणले होइन, बरु “बुढी देखिन्छु कि” भन्ने डरले। त्यसैले होला, म आफैंलाई नै नराम्री लाग्न थालें। Makeup सिक्ने कोसिस गरें, तर जानिन, कति थरी, बाफ्रे, के के लगाउने हो! 

सारी लगाउने पनि धेरैपटक प्रयास गरें, तर सकिनँ। आफ

Customer service मा काम गर्दा, कहिलेकाहीँ १–२ जना “You are so beautiful” भन्थे, त्यो सुन्दा हाँसिदिँथेँ, तर भित्रभित्रै सोच्थें, साँचिकै हो कि?”

जबसुकै सांस्कृतिक पर्व वा चाड आउँछ, मलाई anxiety सुरु हुन्छ, किनभने makeup!
teenager मा नभएको insecureness, यो

बुढेसकालमा कसरी पलायो??? , तर सोच्ने गर्छु, 

यो insecurity ऐश्वर्या रायलाई पनि भयो होला?”
Monica, Rachel कति राम्री छन् है! संसारकै राम्री त मलाई Anne Hathaway लाग्छ। Anne Hathaway जति राम्री, यो संसारमा Keira Knightley पनि त्यत्तिकै , हेरिरहूँजस्तो लाग्छ। तर पनि किन surgery गर्छन् होला? कसैले त भन्छ होला,

सर्जरी गरे अझ राम्री देखिन्छेस।”

Sushmita Sen, Gauri Khan र Rakhi Sawant अहिले हेर्दा त जस्तो तिनै जना triplets जस्तै लाग्छन्।
तर सोचिरहन्छु, कति सम्मको राम्री भएपछि पुग्छ होला है केटीहरूलाई?

The silent grief of Broken Friendship

 People often talk about broken relationships and broken marriages, but rarely do they speak about broken friendships. Yet, a friendship that has lasted for years, even a decade, can break. And when it does, it cannot always be fixed. Even if it is repaired, it will never feel the same again.

Friendships usually do not end in a single moment. They often break because of an imbalance of efforts. In the beginning, friendships feel light and effortless. There are days filled with laughter, joy, and shared moments without the weight of responsibilities or expectations. Nothing seems complicated, and everything flows naturally. But over time, something happens. One person begins to expect more. It is not because of greed or demand, but because of the depth of connection they believe has been built over the years. Meanwhile, the other person may not feel that same depth of responsibility. This difference quietly creates a gap between them.
Unbalanced expectations and efforts become cracks in the bond. What one person experiences as emotional closeness, the other may simply experience as comfortable companionship or habit. Yet deep inside, both individuals have the same human need. They want emotional support, a sense of belonging, and the feeling of being there for each other.
The real problem often lies in communication or miscommunication. If one person chooses to confront and express their feelings and the other acknowledges those emotions, there is a chance the friendship can be fixed. But if the other person does not acknowledge it or seems unaware of the expectations, the bond may not be repaired. Neither side is necessarily wrong. People simply value and experience friendship differently. Every human being carries their own kind of selfishness. One may be emotionally attached, while the other may enjoy the friendship as a simple companionship.
Friendship is like a cup of sweet coffee. When the balance is right, it tastes perfect. But when it turns cold and is held for too long, something in the flavor goes off. Even if all the ingredients remain, the warmth and sweetness fade. The future of any friendship depends on how much value both people give to it. When both acknowledge and nurture the bond, it can grow stronger. But when one stops trying, it slowly fades.
Then comes the question of ego and self-esteem. Ego whispers, “Why should I be the one to reach out first?” while self-esteem quietly says, “I deserve to be valued too.” Ego often destroys what silence has already weakened. Self-esteem, on the other hand, protects a person from holding on to something that is no longer shared equally. True friendship survives when both sides give importance to the bond, not just one.
A broken friendship may heal, but even if it does, it will never return to what it once was. And that becomes a quiet grief many people carry silently, without ever naming it. Sometimes, the end of a friendship is not about who is right or wrong. It is about who kept trying and who silently stopped.

Communication

 Communication is a huge chapter. Whether in professional or personal life, effective communication plays a powerful role. That’s why communication training and lessons are taught in universities and workplaces. It’s a way of expressing things,  the same message can be said in different ways and can be perceived from different angles.

Let’s not talk about professional communication for a moment. Here, I want to talk about the communication between your brain, heart, and mouth. Have you ever noticed that there’s often a difference in communication between them? When there’s no resonance or alignment between these three, you may find yourself feeling uncomfortable or uneasy that something feels imbalanced.

It’s important to acknowledge this inner language. For example, when someone says something to you , maybe something small may be  your mouth might agree, but your heart and brain may not. As a result, you might feel disturbed the entire day, asking yourself: “Why did I say that? Why didn’t I just say I don’t like it?”

Even in simple situations  , someone says, “I like mango juice, let’s order that,” and you actually prefer litchi juice. But because they’ve already decided, you don’t think much and agree to mango. Later, you keep thinking about that missed litchi juice all day.

This is why learning to communicate with yourself is so important .  it’s an art. It’s not about hurting others or being narcissistic.

Sometimes, the conflict between your heart, brain, and mouth is big. Other times, it’s just something small. For example, when you live abroad, you might love the infrastructure, lifestyle, and luxury but deep down, you miss some parts of your home country. When you meet friends, you don’t always have to glorify living abroad. You can also acknowledge the missing and lonely parts. This kind of honesty with yourself helps reduce inner conflict and chaos.

If you don’t like something or you’re disappointed, you need to communicate it .gently and thoughtfully. There are ways to express disagreement respectfully. Direct communication isn’t always the best way; learning how to communicate matters just as much as what you communicate.

Never lie to yourself. Miscommunication between your heart, brain, and mouth is also a kind of lie. If you like something, say it. If you don’t, find the right words and express it. If you feel uncertain, it’s okay to say that too.

This, too, is a part of communication . learning to communicate with yourself. Within you and yourself. It’s truly an art.

my attention span

 

It feels like everything is diverted from the main point. I have a fleeting attention span. and my focus constantly drift away from central points.

When I listen to a song, it catches my ear.But when I try to go through the lyrics and grasp the meaning, another song comes along and completely erases the previous one from my memory, almost as if I never heard it in the first place. Everything feels fleeting-like an evanescence. My brain feels hollow.

The same pattern occurs with serious issues on social media, whether it's about the war in Gaza or the monarchy issue running in my country. As I begin to comprehend the root causes—why something is happening—the news takes a different turn, presenting modified narratives, .

Instead of uncovering the truth, I see accusations, blame, or distractions, moreover diversionary tactics, that shift the focus away from the real issue. Social media doesn’t leave space for logical thinking. Where is that curious mind? Excessive, often irrelevant information, shaping our perceptions in a manipulative way.
-abundance of information, but little real awareness-it scares me.

And now, even with this piece of writing, I feel the same. I struggle to think about any issue seriously, I can’t tell if my thoughts are truly my own. Is my brain even working properly? Is there any organic opinion? Can I even think ? Can I even think something for 5 minutes? Can i describe, can I elaborate, can I express? I don’t know what I’m going to write, what I am writing, or what I have written

Mobile-me-train

THIS TIME, I DECIDED,   I’m not going to look at my phone on the train.  I’d just sit, relax, and observe the beauty around me. A 45-minute journey—just me , my surroundings AND MY OBSERVATION. WOW; MASTERING AN ART OF DITCHING MOBILE

But as soon as the journey began, I realised... I was in an aisle seat. The window was completely blocked. My right to gaze outside and romanticise the scenery? Gone.

So, I told myself to relax my eyes. Okay, let’s try observing inside the train. Let’s just see what’s around.* But suddenly, I didn’t know where to look without appearing strange. It’s like I had forgotten the art of simply looking around without making others feel uncomfortable—or without feeling like I was intruding on someone’s space.

My eyes landed on a woman sitting in front of me, wearing a shiny silver bracelet. It caught my attention. I looked at it for about ten seconds, appreciating its beauty... then noticed her ring—also shining. I was admiring it, but then became self-aware: *What if she notices I’m looking? A wave of panic hit me.

My eyes began darting around rapidly, as if on autopilot, scanning the surroundings in microseconds—floor, seat, handle, person, back to floor. I suddenly felt like I was behaving awkwardly, like someone with involuntary, anxious tics. Do I look mentally unstable? Socially off? I didn’t know.

Each time I tried focusing on one thing, I’d catch someone else’s eyes briefly locking with mine. What is that phenomenon called? That strange moment when you look at someone, and they seem to look back at the exact same time? It’s unsettling.

Eventually, I settled on staring at the floor—for five whole minutes. But even that made me feel like I looked frozen, numb, disconnected from the world. I was overwhelmed. I wanted to get off the train.

I didn’t know where to look. I was mentally exhausted from simply controlling my gaze.When I closed my eyes for relief, I worried that I’d look like I was sleeping or unwell. I just wanted to appear "NORMAL," to observe calmly without making anyone feel watched. I wasn’t noticing any one person in particular—but I still feared I might make others uncomfortable.

I’m trying to relearn how to travel without my phone—like we used to. Even without a window seat, surely there must be a way to just exist, observe, and be at peace.

Eventually, I started looking at people’s shoes. That felt... safe. No one noticed—or at least, that’s what my anxious brain told me. Maybe they weren’t paying attention at all. Maybe this is just my mind playing tricks.

But this 45-minute ride? It felt  REALLY long. Really hard.

Now I don’t know... on the return journey, will I decide to ditch the phone again? I’m honestly not sure

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